“The Daily Show” host Ronny Chieng joked that the president “has decided to start trying to win the election” with a temporary order affecting asylum seekers.
Ronny Chieng joked that Ticketmaster should be put in charge of closing the border: “These guys are the best at making sure nobody can actually get into the thing they want to.”Credit…Comedy Central
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
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President Biden issued a temporary order to shut down the Southern border to asylum seekers on Tuesday in an attempt to prevent migrants from crossing into the country.
“The Daily Show” host Ronny Chieng said that the president “has decided to start trying to win the election,” with border security as one of his “biggest weaknesses.”
“It’s why he tried to make a border deal with Republicans earlier this year. It’s also why Republicans refused to make a deal with him. They’re like, ‘How can we blame you for this if you fix it, you idiot? So now with his polls tanking five months before Election Day, Biden is finally saying ‘[Expletive] it, I’ll just do it myself.” — RONNY CHIENG
“It’s not very popular to have no control over who immigrates to your country, OK? Just ask the Native Americans.” — RONNY CHIENG
“Hey, I get it, dude, but if you don’t want people to come, like, maybe stop saying how awesome America is. ‘It’s the best; you can’t come!’” — RONNY CHIENG
“But if you’re really upset about this, don’t worry — like everything else Biden does, it’ll probably get knocked down by the Supreme Court. So, if America really wants to lock down the Southern border, they should put Ticketmaster in charge of it, OK? These guys are the best at making sure nobody can actually get into the thing they want to, OK? Everyone will be waiting on the queue for three hours. Yeah, and then they find out that America’s already sold out.” — RONNY CHIENG
The Punchiest Punchlines (Immediate Action Edition)
“Say what you want about Biden, but he takes immediate action five months before an election.” — JIMMY FALLON
“I’m going to be honest; I’m not sure Biden’s plan is going to work. Forget the border — we can’t even secure the deodorant at Walgreens.” — JIMMY FALLON
“I feel bad for Biden — he can’t close the border, and he can’t open a bottle of Tylenol.” — JIMMY FALLON
“That is a tough needle to thread, being an anti-immigration liberal: [imitating Biden] ‘So we’re going to seal the border, folks, but the wall is going to be gluten-free, and the barbed wire will be pro-choice. It’s not a border wall, it’s a ‘board-her’ wall.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Vice President Kamala Harris discussed the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
The stand-up comic and actor Tig Notaro will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”
Also, Check This Out
At 70, the pop icon Cyndi Lauper is readying one last tour and a documentary about her life.
